Anger

I can't tell you when the anger started. I don't know if it came on gradually or if it was sudden. I do remember when I became aware of it. I was at my first solo doctors appointment and she was trying to convince me to take the anti-anxiety medication she prescribed. She said that depression was common in young people who suffer a heart attack. What I was feeling was "normal." I was so furious. I just wanted to scream. Nothing was normal.

It is not normal for a 33 year old woman to have a heart attack. It is not normal to have to take about a pharmacy's worth of medication every day. It is not normal to be exhausted all the time. It is not normal to be scared that I might die at any time. It is not normal to get winded from the simplest things, like walking up one flight of stairs. Every day brings a new nightmare for me to deal with and I am doing it alone.

My anger has fluctuated over the last 8 months, but it never goes away. It's always there, just under the surface, waiting to rear it's ugly head. There are times that I find myself getting angry over the dumbest stuff. Stuff that normally wouldn't bother me. I realize it after the fact, but in the moment I just react. My husband has been on the receiving end of that rage quite a bit. I always apologize later, but I still feel awful.

It's just really hard to watch other people my age doing all this wonderful stuff and I can't even exercise without my doctors' permission. I got sick a few months ago and I couldn't take anything to help alleviate the symptoms. Every label read, "If you take blood thinners or have heart problems, consult your doctor." The simplest things, like vitamins, have this warning. I can't make any decision without checking with a doctor. It is ridiculous and frustrating. I am so scared to see what is going to happen if I get the flu or something.

It is also frustrating dealing with Cardiologists. They are the worst. I was prescribed a blood thinner, aspirin, cholesterol meds, and blood pressure meds when I left the hospital. I have never really taken a lot of medication so being put on all of those meds at once was quite a shock to the system. I quickly learned that I am one of those lucky people that get almost all of the wonderful side effects of the medications.

I started cardiac rehab in February and the side effects of the medication started about that time. The nurse that was in charge of rehab set the goal of me losing 10 pounds over 8 weeks. Pretty much had the opposite happen. I gained about 11 pounds and my legs were swelling like crazy. She sent me to see my cardiologist who told me I have sleep apnea (What?!) and gave me a water pill. That pill did nothing but make me feel gross and my legs kept swelling. So I made an appointment with my family doctor. We talked and I told her what was going on and that I had done a little research and the side effects for my blood pressure medicine were......You guessed it, swelling of the hands and legs, unexplained weight gain, and fatigue. Ding ding, I think we have a winner. She changed the meds and the swelling went away in about a week. I was still tired and still not losing weight, but I had conquered one problem.

My doctor also decided to do a full blood workup to see what else could be going on. We discovered that I had become insulin resistant. Which is a nice way of saying pre-diabetic. The funny part was that my sugar and insulin was normal in May and high in June. She did a little research and found out that my cholesterol medication (Atorvastatin) has recently been found to cause sugar problems and diabetes, especially in women. She cut the dose in half and a month later, my sugar and insulin had come way down. They are still not normal, but they are way better than they were. I have lost 10 lbs. and I get my sugar checked again in a couple of weeks.

Of course my new cardiologist (I fired the sleep apnea guy) thinks that statin medications are the greatest thing ever and doesn't want to take me off of them. I have news for her. I will not take a medication that is going to give me diabetes. It is not going to happen. If it comes down to maybe someday I might have another heart attack versus for sure diabetes, I am going to avoid diabetes. Seems like a no brainer to me, but what do I know? After all, I didn't go to med school. I just used my common sense.